So after a week or so of sending hot chicks a picture of my small dick on Plenty Of Fish (such a cool idea for a dating website), I finally had a date.
It went well, and not long after we became girlfriend and girlfriend. Yes, me, I actually have a girlfriend so I can put on a dress and go into Soho and pretend to be a proper lesbian, instead of being chatted up by guys all the time (the gays don’t tend to think I’m as ugly as I think).
She doesn’t really want to be featured but I’ll tell you a little bit – she is a part-time yoga teacher living in Hackney, who does a bit of work for Momentum,
the gang of thugs the wonderful people that support Jeremy Corbyn and won’t be enacting their plan to round Tories up into gulags when Putin doesn’t even vaguely interfere with our next general election.
Oh and most importantly, she’s a vegan.
Yes, I am also now a vegan. Team Corbyn!
After a quick plogging session through Vicky Park, we put on our sustainable cycling shorts and cycled to Romford, the up-and-coming home of veganism – NO CRUELTY ALLOWED. I may have cycled over a worm (not a euphemism) but please don’t tell her.
Vegan World is a brand new establishment in Romford – you’ve probably never heard of it until now, but even you depraved coke-snorting, meat-eating, earth-destroying bastards will be on your way to Romford soon.
There was a plethora of choice for roast dinner fans, from the vegan roast dinner to not eating anything. I chose the vegan roast dinner at the princely sum of £15.5. You expect a 0 on the end? So 2000’s sweetheart.
The diner was quite old-school, as in school and old – plastic seating affixed to tables – wonderfully quaint. Obviously only using plastic so that nobody puts it in the sea (seriously please stop dropping litter) – otherwise not a single-use plastic in sight. By the way, at what point do old school rave nights become very old school rave nights?
Dinner took around 5 minutes to arrive via our wonderfully positive and love-filled waitress (see what veganism does to you?) and looked just wonderful.
The carrots were over-boiled a stupendous amount, wonderfully mushy and veganish. Wow.
Then the green beans which may look dark and miserable, yet were full of vegan joy and light.
Who doesn’t want part-cooked onion on their roast dinner? Weird fuckers, that is who.
No roast potatoes – phew. You know my thoughts on them. Instead there was some vaguely fried yellow thing with the skin on – wonderfully tough and brilliantly veganish (I am so converting you…and hopefully getting a blow job later).
The anti-meat thing was some soggy pastry rolled up with what may have smelt like vegetarian cat food, however I am advised is a vurkey and vork mixture. So YUMMY. Why did it take me this long to grow a pair of tits (albeit only a B cup) and become a vegan?
They had run out of vegan gravy so we just poured a bit of water on (not exactly a novelty in the roast dinner world during my dark life) to help give it a bit of extra moisture – not that the vegetables needed extra water.
Wow. What an experience. There was absolutely nothing wrong at all with the food – you can see how delightful it is, and the whole experience was so uplifting, almost perfect. Apart from the two Tories that turned up later talking about how to reduce public spending further. MORE CUTS! Can you believe it? We need much more spending and much more debt – let us just print money. Yeah…erm…my Margaret Thatcher cardboard cut-out is in storage.
I have to say that this is the best roast dinner that I’ve ever had. Granted it is the only Sunday roast since Day 0, but if this is a sign of things to come, then I am so excited for my future.
To think that just a couple of Sundays ago, I was alone in my gimp mask after eating…urgh cannot bear to think of the person I was.
Time to finish as we have an appointment booked at the wellness studio down the road – I think we get to rub avocado paste into each other’s nipples whilst reading out a list of our past sins – ridding ourselves of our demons. Just need a quick line of sustainable ketamine and we’ll be on our way.
I’m scoring it a 9.91 out of 10. Sooooo holistic. No I have no idea what that word means and neither do you.
I just want to end by saying how wonderful my new girlfriend is. I’m truly in love. So I’m dedicating this song to the love of my life.
By the way, a friend of a friend asked if vegans swallowed. So far, no.