[Posted on 1st April. Before midday. Hint hint]
I know, I know, I said I wasn’t going to ever go to a Toby Carvery again, and not only because they are mainly full of people barred from Wetherspoons.
Occasionally I lie. Like that time I gave a hot girl Rohypnol but told her it was ecstacy. Don’t worry – I cannot get an erection at the best of times.
And on this occasion I have once again lied to you.
Given that we are celebrating the start of a new month, I thought that I would give you one extra review to fawn over, and that is of the newly-opened Toby Carvery in Kensington.
Situated within a plush hotel with all manner of wannabe stars walking around…well…at least a dozen Instagram influencers anyway, this is arguably Toby Carvery’s most upmarket offering in the whole of the (previously) United Kingdom.
The head of staff greeted me (“Sir”, no less) and took my dinner jacket. I was shown to my table by a glamorous young Spanish lady (hola ?)…who I noted was wearing stockings and suspenders…maybe she flashed them to me on purpose?
There were many options on the menu, from ostrich to kudo, partidge to venison. There was even wagyu beef on the menu, all for a nice round price of £10.00 per head.
It was, of course, your standard carvery service that you would expect from such a venerated establishment. I asked the gentleman carving the meat as to which one I should have. “All of them” came the reply, and duly a generous portion of several meats were stacked up on my plate – I had to turn him down after the wagyu, ostrich and lamb – my sexually slender figure couldn’t cope with any more of a meat overdose.
I added carrots, broccoli and cauliflower cheese, roast potatoes, a Yorkshire pudding and took a small vat of gravy back to my table…well, I didn’t take it, the aforementioned Spanish hottie took it for me.
Alas, I don’t quite know what has happened to the photograph I took of the meal, so you are going to have to use your imagination. The perils of having a new phone, I guess.
Firstly, the carrots. These had been roasted to perfection – quite soft but with some crunch to the outside, a hint of butter and thyme, and topped with a scattering of caviar – an unusual topping but Toby Carvery really are pulling out all the stops here.
Then for the broccoli and cauliflower cheese which was simply luxurious. Both the broccoli and cauliflower cheese were cooked to the perfect level of crunch, the cream was thick but not too plentiful, and the cheese was outstanding – perhaps an applewood smoked cheddar?
Guess what? The roast potatoes were amazing too. Crispy on the outside – they had actually been chuffed up beforehand quite clearly, and also fluffy inside – melt in your mouth levels of fluffiness. Not only that, but they had been freshly cooked and not left to stand around for hours in a kitchen. Obviously cooked in goose fat (you’d expect nothing less) with scatterings of rosemary. Just unbelievably fantastic.
The Yorkshire pudding was on point too. Large in size with a soft bottom, and nicely crispy edges – it had quite an eggy taste to it.
Then for the meat, of which there was simply too much on my plate to finish. Starting with the lamb, of which I had the most, this had been roasted in garlic and rosemary, and simply tasted divine. Not only that but it was nicely rare inside, yet just fell away, it had been that gently cooked. I could die a happy man and not receive any of my promised virgins right now.
I then had the ostrich, of which I didn’t eat too much of, though nothing at all down to quality – just my well-sculpted belly couldn’t handle any more. This was similar to a fillet steak, it was that nice to eat – no fat, just wonderful meat.
And then the wagyu beef. I have never had the opportunity to try wagyu despite having heard so much about it, and was so excited. It was soft and…erm…beefy, almost butter-like and I thought that it was going to melt in my mouth, it was that divine.
Finally the gravy. This was a fairly standard meat stock gravy, clearly with the bones and juices of the exquisite meats involved, and what’s more, it was actually thick. And practically unlimited with the 3 litre bowl that the beautiful waitress had brought over. Exceptional. Can you believe it?
By some way, this was the best dining experience of my life. Everything was perfect – I know it makes for a pretty damn boring post when I have nothing to moan about…even Brexit is going brilliantly at the moment, but hey, it is what it is.
Just think, if we had voted to remain in the EU, this would never have been possible. Thank fuck we are finally an independent country, that we have gone global, and that Toby Carvery is now able to produce such masterpieces.
This quite simply gets a 10 out of 10.
That’s it, folks. I don’t see the point in continuing this blog now that I have found the perfect roast dinner. Thanks for reading over the last year – I trust that you will give me one last share/retweet, etc.
I’m off to go put that Spanish woman’s stockings and suspenders on (I think she left them under my bed last night anyway), whack on some of Donald Trump’s greatest speeches and have a Walnut Whip. Of the Urban Dictionary variety, of course.
Oh Jeremy Corbyn. Oh Jeremy Corbyn. Oh Jeremy Corbyn.
[Note – giving people drugs they are not expecting is a truly dickheadish thing to do – please don’t be that scumbag]