Привет. I am Count Goulash, your new, sexy hero writing about your English roast goulash dinner. I went for the roast goulash dinner at The Spaniard’s Inn in Hampstead. Inn in…oh my your English language is so funny. HA HA HA HA.
I am very sexy and intelligent which is why my dear president sent me on this mission, my first since visit to Cathedral – very nice. I am big fan of you English.
He’s very sexy also, no? I love him so much. Like, not in homosexual way as Vlad is not homosexual, but I would love to just cuddle him naked. Nothing homosexual though, as Vlad is not homosexual. OK?
Vlad is my hero. You like? He is very nice but not homosexual. You can be sure that he is not homosexual because he made new laws against being homosexual which proves he is not homosexual.
Maybe you English men find him sexy. I like goulash. Goulash is sexy. And my sexy president that is not homosexual sent me on a mission to England, I think it safe now for me to visit England because you have the Boris as your president and he is stupid. HA HA HA HA. You English vote for Boris. HA HA HA HA. Why you not want sexy president?
Anyway, Vlad called me to his office last week and said, “Anatoliy, I need you to do new super-secret mission in England for me. I know you love that stupid, dumbass country, and we are now looking to takeover its media institutions so we can be ready for the invasion”.
I was very interested. I like media, I thought maybe I would be working on television with my favourite man of English, Graham Norton.
He continued, “I need you to take over the most influential blog in the UK, Roast Dinners in London”. I stared at him. I was confused. What is a roast dinner, I asked. “It is the English goulash”. I LOVE GOULASH. I told him that I will need weapons and money, but he said that all I need was access to the Twitter account, something called Instagram and to write a load of “fucking bullshit“.
Well, that is easy, Vlad. You fancy me. I Fancy Bear. Now Count Goulash is in control of the UK’s foremost media institution, Roast Dinners in London. HA HA HA HA.
Goulash is Great, Long Live Goulash at The Spaniard’s Inn
So why The Spaniard’s Inn? Well, I make friends quickly and they trust me already HA HA HA HA. They tell me The Spaniard’s Inn is one of the best in London – they already tell me their secrets even before meeting them.
It was big pube, very big. I like all your pubes in England but this was very special. Because of social distancing and you backwards people, there was queue to enter pube. Why you not have vaccine yet? Because Russia is best country and you English are backward. YOUR EMPIRE IS OVER. But I like you English. HA HA HA HA.
So we queued to get in like English people, but then we found out that if you had already booked that you needed to enter through the “do not enter” door. Well, of course.
We had a choice of garden or inside. The garden was large and pretty, they also had a BBQ for those that did not want roast goulash dinner. We sat outside. We were attacked by wasps. I am hard and sexy Russian man but we had girls with us and they not like the wasps, so we did manly thing to protect the girls and asked for table inside.
The Spaniard’s Inn had big social distancing – it was a very big pube. Every other table seemed to be “do not use” and there was big space between each table already. I think The Spaniard’s Inn offers more social distancing than any other pub I have been to since lockdown – perhaps they could allow more in, or perhaps other pubs should be following their lead.
Russian Women Most Sexy
You know this fool, Lord Gravy. Well, I read that he likes Spanish women. And he needs stronger password than Gravy1234 HA HA HA HA. Big fool.
Anyway, he fool and he wrong. Look at the women of Spain:
And look at the women of Russia:
Spanish women top, Russian women bottom. Russia woman much more pretty, OK? I give you good price on wife. Very good at cleaning.
Gazprom is best gas
We had only one option for roast dinner goulash unless we wanted to share food. Share food? What kind of country is this? The only option was rib of beef with red wine jus for £19.50. Why do you put jus on roast dinner goulash?
If you are sharing people, you could have roast chicken dinner goulash to share for £39. Or rich sharing people, you could have Chateaubriand for £60. They also had nut roast goulash, but this confuse me because it does not say what meat. This was £17.
I think £19.50 is a normal price for roast goulash dinner in London? It does not matter as Gazprom pays for me. They sell best gas. I hope I buy best goulash.
Delivery was strange – like Russia Post in Perestroika. One new friend received her dinner 5-10 minutes before everyone else. Then we all received dinner. Then a few minutes later my friend who had first dinner received her extra gravy and horseradish. Then a few minutes later we had our side dishes of pigs in blankets and cauliflower cheese.
THIS IS NOT FUCKING GOULASH.
My new friends said that my president lie to me, that the English do not eat goulash. But I know my president does not lie. He is most honest man in world and I thank him for bringing Crimea home too.
The fake goulash also came with English spying devices, but I was very careful before ordering to ensure that they not have English spying devices on the plate.
My president said, “whatever you do, remember not to trust peas”. And the Mi5 tried to put peas on my plate, but I know their tricks, I read their e-mails HA HA HA HA. I write their e-mails too HA HA HA HA.
Starting with carrots, they were small and very roasted. Maybe too roasted and soft but I still like them.
Parsnips very good. A bit nutty, a bit soft.
The roast potatoes looked a bit like dumplings, however they were not good. They chewy and felt like from last week’s goulash. Not good roast potatoes. How did Lord Gravy eat the roast potatoes every week? Maybe they are normally much nicer?
I make you Brexit.
My English translator tells me Yorkshire is where the most sexy men are from in the England and that a pudding is like gateau. So I did not expect a ball of dried batter. This is strange thing that you English put on your dinner, I thought you were rich country? No, you not now thanks to Brexit…I hope you like…this my present to you…I work on Brexit project also. Kisses from Russia.
This Yorkshire pudding was dry until you put extra gravy on it, in which case it is a little soft and fluffy. I think pointless and stupid, but my other new friends like it more than me.
Speaking of which, one of my new friends does not like gravy on her roast dinner. I am told this is like treason in the England and very strange. In Russia, we send people to gulag for treason. Like Lord Gravy is in gulag HA HA HA HA though they say re-education facility. HA HA HA HA. He is fool.
I sell you wife that make you Breakfast.
HA HA HA HA
I like the beef. I think for £19.50 it was not too much beef, and you should have more. There was some nice fat and it was nice in my mouth, not rare but not well-done like my mama made me when we were growing up.
And finally, the gravy. Well, it was red wine jus. I am told gravy is much better, more English. I think this is OK, but tastes strong of red wine. Maybe I would like gravy more. I would definitely like GOULASH more. Yes. And I had to ask for more red wine jus, because very little on plate and your weird pudding of Yorkshire was dry before jus. Not smooth.
I am sorry that my photographs not very good, I make better photograph outdoors, like cathedrals which I like very much.
Gazprom is sexy. You get best gas there.
Oh I nearly forgot. I ordered some cauliflower cheese for £4 a dish. It was nice. Someone on the Twitter said it does not belong on roast dinner. I can tell you it does not belong on goulash. I did not understand why you say cheese…it was more cauliflower with cream sauce, but it still nice.
My friends ordered pigs in blankets which look like little willy HA HA HA HA – I have very big willy. They also tasted nice, the best thing on the plate, wrapped in bacon. Quite sexy, like Russian woman taste.
Roast Dinner Is OK. Not Goulash.
I not know why you English have this every Sunday. You should have goulash every Sunday instead. You should have goulash every day, with sexy Russia woman make you. I sell you?
You English get very excited about Sunday roast and also “democracy”. But Sunday roast is lie and your democracy is lie. You will one day realise that you have Conservative dictatorship but cannot see it because your leaders not as strong or sexy as Putin. OK, Theresa May was quite sexy also. Quite sexy, not more.
Sometimes the fake goulash was nice. The beef was nice, but no more. The red wine jus was…nice for a jus. The parsnips were nice also. I think only bad thing was chewy roast potatoes and English spying devices.
The Spaniard’s Inn itself is very nice and big, staff were friendly and it did not have the feel of a hospital like some pubs do.
However, the Sunday roast at The Spaniard’s Inn is overrated, just like your democracy. And this is summary.
I give The Spaniard’s Inn a score of 7.05. Nice. No more than nice.
Next Sunday I am going back to Russia. I hope my mission is over because THIS IS NOT GOULASH. I know my president made a mistake. He doesn’t lie, he is most truthful and sexy man in the world.
I love you, Vlad. Can I come home now? There is no goulash in London.