The Beast of Brixton, Brixton

Back in January, the owner of The Beast of Brixton messaged me to inform me that his chef would have his feet set in concrete in front of the oven to “facilitate the relentless tasting of our four day veal bone reduction gravy”.

I was intrigued but I don’t do things on demand.

Also this Sunday I was on call – I like the idea of free money (despite not voting Labour) so I signed up to a whole week of cover for my part of an important retailer’s website.

Last time it was anything but free money, though at least I didn’t get any overnight calls. This time I was on my final day, and had only had one call out – on a Wednesday afternoon whilst at the office. And that was a false alarm. So I assumed everything was stable and could risk booking The Beast of Brixton. You know where this story is going, don’t you?

I wasn’t entirely sure if the chef’s predicament was a hostage situation or some kind of S&M situation, but once I checked with my lawyers, I concluded the latter, with great excitement. Though my searches for “gravy” on Pornhub don’t involve any chefs with concrete shoes. Or anything that should be on a roast dinner.

We had to pre-order again this week – because The Beast of Brixton is keen to reduce food waste. My eyes tend to roll at that kind of reasoning but I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt – though I can envisage every other venue attempting this within a couple of years “to reduce food waste” – and you’ll know it is bollocks. My understanding is that a concern for food waste, and the impact on the environment that it has, comes from the heart from this venue.

Worth noting though that their website is not secure, so if (when?) you book, please do it through DesignMyNight’s website, or call/e-mail The Beast Of Brixton – as it asks for credit card details to take a £5 pre-authorisation due to those arseholes that book tables and don’t turn up. And if the owner is reading – please speak to your hosting company, they should be able to add an SSL certificate for free – via Let’s Encrypt. It should be no more than an e-mail to them – easy to sort and reassuring for your customers.

Anyway, web security lecture over, I was particularly excited for this roast – not only did I suspect that it would be a very tasty roast, the menu read sexually, it was the last roast before Christmas, I was up for a few drinks and I had my most regular accomplice and a longish-lost accomplice, who hadn’t joined since Blacklock.

I just got the tube train – the next was a Metlineish 12 minutes away, and immediately received a text message from my boss advising that there was a problem with the website, could I look into it. However, it probably wasn’t urgent.

Shit.

I was dropping some presents off on the way to the roast, so I headed there so I could get some wifey to have a proper look – though I’d left my work Mac at home…it being Brixton that I was going to and my lack of experience of the area…never had a roast there insert shocked emoji.

By time I dropped my presents off, it had escalated. It was a problem. There was no other option other than to go home and try to fix it.

Fuck.

Yes, this meant no roast dinner for me. My two accomplices went, and here is their story. Please be a disappointment. Please come with peas. Please come with sweetcorn. My occasional interjections come marked with [LG…]

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Lord gravy decided he wasn’t hungry today so he changed his mind and sent two accomplices or is it with Christmas coming and bar humbug has arrived already, Lord Gravy couldn’t make the roast due to an urgent non gravy work related matter.

Pick your option now…

[LG – My introduction kind of kills this]

So you have two of the best accomplices in attendance and writing this blog post, we are not sure what we can write about politics except Boris Out and and brexit is shit. Your pigs have no blankets.

We rocked up to BEASSSSSST thinking of a recent holiday to Belgrade where four of us including the Lord went on a bit of a culture trip and the word BEASSSSST was popular for everyone except the Lord.

[LG – Can you see why I got fed up of hearing this every 5 minutes?]

Anyway one of us left Lord Gravy at one of our houses. Already weird that I had to sit in the tube alone to the south and left the lord in a house with no gravy just a can of beer!

We arrived into Brixton which is a pretty un-festive place however in the Beast had 3 wreathes and Christmas music! INSERT WREATH PICTURE HERE

Beast Of Brixton Christmas Wreath

Lord Gravy talks about his love of lesbians, politics and BUMholes but I have decided to add a nice tag in for Greg James and Felix White and Jimmy Anderson who have kindly made me laugh many times this year and introduced me to cricket through the Tailenders podcast #tailenderstakeovertheworldandunite

An extra mention to Felix as my father approves for the love of music, cricket and football. Still remember a phone call many years ago from my Dad saying something like this ‘Oh that band you like the Maccabees well one of them was on Five Live and he supports his local team Fulham.’

Could be a possible hint from my Dad to find a nice young musician (I’m still single at 34) also open to dates – that chef at Madame pig was alright looking.

[LG – And just think, you could potentially end up brother-in-law to Lord Gravy – what is not to like? Wait – is my sister using my blog to pick up men?]

We waited around 10 minutes (perfect timing for me) for the roast to arrive and wow what a big plate of food.

Beast Of Brixton Roast Dinner

What struck me first of all was peas, Lord Gravy hates peas and I just find them pointless but they actually tasted good.

My next excitement was this cheesy delight that was an extra but worth every penny ( spoiler we didn’t need extra food had enough in the plate).

Beast Of Brixton Cauliflower Cheese

I was very excited to see Brussel sprouts with bacon pieces with leeks and a delicious creamy sauce. The sprouts were cooked perfectly and the bacon was delicious, in my opinion this mixture should be provided with every roast.

[LG – hell yes]

Carrots were individual chantenay carrots, also perfectly cooked with a slight crunch just how they should be. A small amount of parsnip purée was a perfect amount and I particularly enjoyed this flavour alongside my turkey.

Now turkey yes the Christmas meat that is never spoken about for the other 11 months in the year. Turkey is underrated and when cooked well is full of flavour and more delicious then chicken, this turkey lacked no favour it was moist and wrapped with stuffing inside, full of herby flavours I would happily have turkey all year round. Those of you who think turkey is a dry meat – you need to learn to cook it better or go to Beast of Brixton for a lesson.

We also got served an extra piece of stuffing wrapped in bacon or it could be parma ham? Not sure but it was delicious

Roast potatoes were crispy on the outside but a tad dry on the inside which was a shame and the Yorkshire pudding well I agree you need one small one on every roast this one was a little pointless as it was rather too crispy to really have much flavour. These were the only weak points on the roast though.

Gravy was a little too rich but this is my personal taste but not as rich as some other recent roasts so I did enjoy it personally.

As for my other accomplice well I haven’t seen him since a whole heads worth of hair grow – it was bleached blonde and now only just grown back brown natural colour, we enjoyed this roast and probably the best for a long time (since blacklock) and our beers and espresso martinis oh and my treat of a cup of snow (frozen margherita).

Beast Of Brixton Frozen Margarita

One little thing I must add it they are very short of pepper pots so if you want to give them a gift for New Year that would be my suggestion. I think there is only one pepper pot in the building.

Service was friendly and very approachable, I would only say they did forget our extra gravy and only arrived just in time to finish off the roast.

Accomplice one (review writer) – 8.88

Accomplice two (disappears for a while) – 9.00

The place is great and Lord Gravy needs to go pronto! Expect fresh cooked food, tasty meats and delicious drinks. I like the layout and general feel and I hope you add it to your list to visit soon

Over and out from the roast reviewer of the north.

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Yeah. I missed one of the best roast dinners of the year. Well done, Lord Gravy. Free money though…

This won’t appear on the league table, and I will be revisiting in due course for what I guess must be south London’s best roast dinner. When I’m not on call. Though there is surely no chance I’d score it as high as an 8.88?!

Thanks to my sister for the review – apologies to my regular readers for the imperfect punctuation, however she also went to school in Hull – fuck knows how I have a half-decent grasp of punctuation.

Next Sunday I’m going to the football, and am particularly regretting buying tickets after seeing quite how bad our team were on Boxing Day. Big question is – do I have a roast before or after?

Merry Christmas.

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The Beast of Brixton, Brixton,

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