Firstly, if any of you are racist then fuck off. I’m generally desperate for followers – desperation goes with the territory of being a blogger, but if you are racist then you simply don’t deserve my blog.
Fuck off and block me. Same goes for anyone not racist that thinks violence is acceptable.
Aaaaaannnnnnnnddddd calm down. Why am I here? Oh yeah, Brexit…hang on…no its a roast dinner review. Or it will be. Another in the bring roast dinners to Lord Gravy series.
I do just want to say something else before we go on. DOMINIC CUMMINGS IS A WANKER.
Ahhhh it is currently Monday morning as I am writing this introduction, I should be on my way to go stand up on the Met Line for 45 minutes, plus the extra time it would be delayed on journey, plus time waiting for a tube that I can fit on. Alas, China has struck and 3 months later I am still sat at my slightly wobbly bedroom desk all day, every day. Even worse, I spend all day looking at desks online thanks to my job. Used to be lingerie models.
And, of course, I am still not permitted to use a tube train, pubs are still closed, restaurants are still closed. When pubs and restaurants do re-open then I’ll have to use a suffocation device to get there on the tube – and fuck doing that voluntarily. I’d rather stay in Harrow for the next year then wear a mask.
Actually…maybe there is a way…
Say No To The Mask Mafia
Of course, many of you probably have a plethora of good pubs within walking distance but many of you don’t live in Harrow. I do have one good pub within walking distance up a steep hill, one acceptable pub but with shit beer halfway up a steep hill, one under 18’s Irish bar and one Wetherspoons. I do have a bicycle, but I’m obese and can probably walk further than I can cycle…and my bicycle is currently in Luton.
And you thought it was difficult enough back in January for me to get a roast dinner.
Thankfully, my dearest and most regular accomplice has a car – and from this point forward will be known as Meals On Wheels.
Oh crap, I just realised that I searched for “gimp mask” without using private browsing. Going to get some odd looks on the tube when they see the adverts I’ll now get served…oh if only.
Shall we get on with the review? What? I cannot hear you?
I’m going to take that muffled bark as a “yes”. Then I’m probably going to go off at a tangent. I should probably have a “skip the crap” button at the top that takes people down to the score at the bottom, shouldn’t I?
Say No To China
I wonder if that heading counts as Britain “stepping out of line”? Fuck China…well fuck their government anyway. Chinese people, I like you – maybe one day you’ll be able to elect your own Boris Johnson. Dream of democracy.
We had options for a roast. Lots of pubs are doing collections and one that really tickled my fancy was Popup Emporium, based at W7 Emporium in Ealing. Who have subsequently just announced that they are taking a break from Sunday roasts after the coming Sunday. Great timing for a review then!
So maybe get your order in now.
Or maybe when you have finished reading this review.
Hmmm just finished writing the review and realised that I hadn’t mentioned the price or the menu so I hope this doesn’t spoil the flow too much – if you cannot read images then the options were loin & belly of pork, topside of beef, lamb rump steak or chicken – all at £12. I went for the pork. I’m out of practice at this reviewing malarky.
Sunday morning arrived and I spent it expanding my understanding of Webpack, Node modules and Babel because I am so fucking fun and enlightened. Oh and I also looked for some more shorts. What do you think of these beauties?
Then Meals On Wheels sent me this:
What? I have cooking instructions? Erm…this was not part of the plan. Different things have different times? Thankfully I had stayed alert and didn’t do a line of ketamine beforehand (or ever in my life, obviously).
FYI if the undercovers outside my house are reading, the only white powder in my house is flour. Is that an obvious lie? It could be flour from before lockdown? Have I told you about these people sat in the car near my house that look undercover Mi5 operatives? I left my house to go for a walk this morning and they drove off at the same time…way dodgy. Should I be more paranoid? I’m thankful that my drug of choice is LIFE. Shit choice though nowadays, ain’t it?
Anyway I’d not had a drink all weekend so I was as alert as I ever am, and was able to carry out the reheating instructions – it came cold so it definitely needed reheating.
Say No To Ketamine When You Have Vaguely Complex Instructions Like Crossing A Road
So alert, that I even remembered to enter their roast dinner presentation competition:
If that photograph of Maggie in a roast dinner doesn’t win the roast dinner presentation competition, then I clearly know absolutely nothing about presenting food.
12 or so minutes later I had a roast dinner.
There were quite selection of vegetables, all of which were limited in quantity so I didn’t get a particularly strong impression on any.
Roasted parsnips and carrots were nicely done, and there was a little cabbage and leek – too little to really comprehend that I was eating it.
A few cubes of swede had their flavour brought out well. All positive thoughts though.
Also it came with cauliflower and broccoli cheese – again small in volume, but perfect in terms of a marginal squish, a thick and creamy sauce that didn’t pollute, and a hint of cheese – though nothing overly notable. Reasonably impressed.
3 fairly small roast potatoes were supplied, and were heading in the right direction, but definitely needed a bit longer in the oven to crisp up properly. Above average, but average isn’t anything special in London!
Say No To Average
The Yorkshire pudding was really nicely done. Blissfully small – if anything good can come out of lockdown then I hope it is a shrinking of the average size of Yorkshire puddings. Soft and fluffy – yeah this was a victory. Let’s hope they don’t give it a statue then 75 years later call it a genocidal racist and then need to have the Democratic-My-Arse Hockey Lads & Lasses protect it. Corbyn used to claim everything was democratic also, didn’t he? Democratic Socialism. Democratic Football Lads. Hmmm…I’m seeing a problem with this adjective.
Also in victory was the pork belly. Delightfully plentiful, mostly soft and tender – a little squidgy around the fatty edge. Just really rather satisfying.
Meals On Wheels had the beef which is pictured above, I thought it really top notch in terms of beefy flavour – but a little tough to cut. Meals On Wheels blamed my knives, which in that case she needs to blame my mum who bought them. Meals On Wheels is my sister.
The stuffing was pretty good – in flavour it impressed more than in texture, where it felt a tad like cereal…more coarse than gooey.
The crackling was tough and needed soaking in the gravy to be edible, but once softened there was a satisfying element to making my way through it and that fatty flavouring resonated though with a desire for something easier to crunch.
Finally the gravy. The absolute star of the show. I know, it looks a little democratically thin on the photograph – probably mostly because the pork gravy was a rather translucent shade.
Sure, it wasn’t especially thick, but had a mellow yet complex flavour to it, and turned a good roast dinner, into a very good roast dinner. Gravy can make or break a roast – and this fucking well made it.
If every single “thin” gravy tasted as gorgeous as this did, I would be a huge fan of thin gravy. Arguably, the beef gravy was even sexier.
Say No To Mi5
And I could lick the plate afterwards without a care in the world…ahhhh. Granted I was sat in my front “garden” and all the neighbours could see and those undercover Mi5 types sat in the nearby car would have been able to see if they hadn’t driven off as soon as Meals On Wheels arrived.
I was well satisfied with this roast dinner. Remember – it was a takeaway roast that needed heating up, so things are never going to be perfect. Also remember that my scoring does not offer any compensation for this.
The item that could have been most improved were the roasties – above average for London but hadn’t quite reached their destination. Texture of the stuffing just a bit grainy for me…perhaps personal taste.
On the positive side, well, everything else was good but the gravy was absolutely special – and if there is anything that goes wrong nearly as much as roast potatoes, it is gravy. And this was bliss…I even had enough left over to eat with some bread the day after. Hmmm, cold gravy and bread, I should be a chef.
Also I ordered a tarte au citron which was divine – it just felt like luxury gliding through my mouth.
I’m scoring this an 8.25 out of 10 – Meals On Wheels gave hers an 8 out of 10. I suspect that in W7 Emporium itself instead of a takeaway, they could well score mid-upper 8’s.
So you’ve got one opportunity left before summer to get a roast from Popup Emporium – get crackling. Assuming you can get to Ealing, of course!
Before you go, just time to update you on my shorts shopping – look at these beauties:
That gives me an idea.
Yeah I’m writing sentences to build up the suspense.
Hopefully you haven’t scrolled too quickly.
You know, build up to the special moment.
Wear with this mask:
I’ll be back at some point. Sleep well. Love you.
Popup Emporium @ W7 Emporium, Ealing (Takeaway),
Where now, sailor?
Random roast review: Bunch Of Grapes, London Bridge