It was not quite the last Sunday before Christmas, but it was to be the pre-Christmas Sunday Funday and where else on my to-do list could be more fun than Albert’s Schloss in Soho?
But first, we need someone sparkling with enthusiasm and joy to really kick off this Christmas special.
Yay. Tidings. Noel. Well, at least something works in this country.
Many of these roast dinner reviews (313 now) are just me and my sister (the “regular accomplice”) on an adventure through our adopted city that we like to think we now own…at least on a Sunday. Some adventures are on my own, some are with additional friends – but there’s a few occasions where a larger group of us will get together, and the roast before people travel for Christmas is one such event.
We’ve had some great ones – The Coal Shed and The Black Lion (oh my that gravy) were both excellent, but last year’s at the Old Fountain in Shoreditch was almost as much a shambles as my parent’s Christmas tree.

If my mother even thinks about telling me not to touch it in case a needle falls off, there will be raised eyebrows this Christmas, I tell thee.
Cauliflower Citadel
I admit that I was a bit suspicious of Albert’s Schloss when I heard it was opening – a large beer hall near the central London dive of Piccadilly Circus – quite why tourists go to Piccadilly Circus I have zero idea. I had images of Revolution bars in Essex from the mid-2000’s, with the vodka shots replaced with German lagers, and the same boorish behaviour (curiously the company that owns Albert’s Schloss was founded by the same two founders of Revolution…not a fact I knew when I wrote this sentence!).
But I went one night, there were no stag groups, and they had a “push for gravy” button.

I pushed for gravy, and a bloke turns up from Hull, which is my home town (and explains why I think Croydon is “quite nice”) and therefore seemed very apt.
Plus they had women in stockings and suspenders dancing on the tables.
And men in stockings and suspenders dancing on the tables.
What would Elon Musk say?

Turnip Tower
Anyway, I had concluded months ago that I liked Albert’s Schloss, and thought it was worth a crack for the Christmas roast Sunday fun day.
We found ourselves on the long table next to the stage, which had the advantage of having the best view if there were burlesque dancers on.
Alas, it also had the disadvantage of having the best view, if a charisma-free beige band of Christian singers came on to regurgitate the same 90’s pop tracks which were on repeat every single fucking hour that I worked in Booker’s Cash & Carry in Hull when I was 18 (“I’m like a bird, I only fly away…” – that level of 90’s bilge).
You can take a guess as to what entertainment I was treated to. Also, it did mean that you could only really hear the person next to you. Given that I was moaning about the music, this was probably an advantage to 6 of my accomplices.
I moan, but I always do if I’m not in control of the music – and actually there was a good atmosphere, and it didn’t take long until some of the group were dancing on the benches…us men folk studiously stayed seated and talked about the football. Chelsea’s to lose, right?

We had the Sunday Luncheon menus also. There’s only one choice here. It’s a German beer house. The only correct action was to order the schweinshaxe, or the roasted pork knuckle to you and ich bin ja.
Gravy Boat Garrison
Fine, there were other options – beef rump and chicken, along with a nut roast. Two courses were £28.00, three courses £34.00 – I’m not entirely sure what one course would cost, as some of us had dessert, and some had starters too.
But the pork knuckle was the only option, in the same kind of way that there is no debate that sandwiches are real food.
At least we now know two things about Kemi is it Badenough yet – she wants tax cuts for rich landowners like James Dyson, and doesn’t think sandwiches are real food. Guess if I do ever get around to launching Toast Dinners In London, she won’t be reading.

See what I mean about there being no debate?
Our roasts took a while to arrive, partly behind some people ordered starters but also because Natalie, our hostess, wanted to play a pull the cracker game with us. Which was like Euro 2024, except with crackers, and the winner got a free drink…I think. I went out on the first round.
There was more to the roast than that – greens came in a bowl of broccoli, peas and shredded cabbage, and we had bowls of pigs in blankets, and cauliflower cheese arriving – both of which we’d ordered separately as sides, but we received twice as much as we expected.
By the time I’d finished loading the plate, I was arguably overloaded.

Carrot Castle
Starting with the…broccoli, because it’s Christmas. It was pretty ordinary, seemed to have been steamed or boiled, there was a bit of a crunch to it, but also a bit limp on the outer edges. Plus it came in a bowl filled with peas, something more evil than enforced paper hats at the Christmas table, but thankfully no peas made it onto my plate.
There was a root vegetable mash, of which I mostly tasted carrot, though someone else said she mostly tasted sweet potato. Again it was pretty ordinary, lacking seasoning, lacking a bit of creaminess or something to give it some pizazz.
Finally for the vegetables, the cauliflower cheese, which we’d ordered as a side. This was decent enough – alpine cheese on it, allegedly, of which I’m sure it was cheese, but I’ve not had enough Alpine cheese in my life to be able to distinguish it from, say, Gouda, especially when it is on a cauliflower and mixed with cream. The cauliflower was a tad crunchy in places.

Fairly small roasted potatoes were supplied – note the difference between roasted potatoes and roast potatoes. These were cut potatoes that had been whacked in an oven without care to make them crispy (assuming an oven is perhaps kindness).
Were they bad? In the grand scheme of things, no, but this may just be the plethora of shit potatoes of 2024 that has ruined my judgement. They were edible, quite soft, tasted of potato – cooked earlier in the day for sure, but I’ve had far worse.
The Yorkshire pudding was reasonably fresh, if cold.
Alas it became a soggy mess – our dear waitress poured gravy into it, which is a good idea, except if the gravy is more like water.
I quite liked the pigs in blankets – not entirely sure they were made here, the bacon was notably crispy and the sausage was a bit Frankfurter-ish in flavour, though possibly my imagination.
Gravy Schloss
So, tell me about the big chunk of pork.

Things were pretty middling by this point, and if I had ordered the unimpressive beef and compared it to those eating this monster of a knuckle, then my tone would be even lower.
However, I loved every minute of eating this, and there were very many minutes too.
The crackling itself was sensational, properly edible and gooey, with a crunch. Sure, there was quite a lot of fat inside – but it’s pork knuckle, not pork loin. Most of the pork meat itself was good, and on the tender side.
Mostly, I was in heaven.
But back down to earth with the gravy, which may have been half-decent when it was first made, but was notably on the watery side – almost as if it had been watered down. Like, there was some meat stock flavour if you tried hard enough to taste it, but I shouldn’t be trying to ascertain if my gravy tastes like gravy. And gravy should be the consistency of gravy…they have a venue in Manchester…maybe send the chef down here for a couple of weeks.
Veggie gravy was excellent when I tried it though…
Albert’s Schloss
It’s hard not to be happy at Albert’s Schloss, and I was pretty much in a dreamland after eating that pork knuckle.
I started asked people on the table for scores, and to my left my regular accomplice made positive noises and scored hers a 7.20, the veggie accomplice an 8.00, the chicken accomplice a 7.80, and a fellow pork accomplice a 7.20.
All felt about right to me.
And then I turned to my right, and my accomplice who was served a pretty miserable looking piece of beef, scored his a 7.00 – though I think he enjoyed it more than it looked. Two other pork eating accomplices scored it a 6.00 and a 5.80…and a final beef eating accomplice a 5.50.

I was a bit surprised as to the split, though we then had a not especially fascinating debate about scoring systems – whereas most people use a football player rating system, where a 6 is below-par, someone on the table uses a flat scale where 6 is above average. Which, to me, is fine, I’m not about to dictate how someone else scores something…but I shall not be changing away from the football player system after 312 reviews.
As to my score? Well, I loved my pork knuckle. It was better than probably any knuckle I’ve had in Germany or countries they once invaded with a Germanic vibe, though I’ve had sexier pork belly on occasion. Yet everything was was pretty bang average, and the watery gravy was bordering on offensive given they have a branch of Albert’s Schloss in Manchester.
Service was excellent to begin, our Natalie was great. But as it became busier, it became more difficult to attract attention – and drinks orders often had to be chased, one Expresso Martini ended up being free (their suggestion) as it had clearly been forgotten about, and turned up 30 minutes later.
Albert’s Schloss is a very fun place, and worth a visit, even if I only loved one thing about the roast dinner itself. I’m scoring the roast a 7.32 out of 10, which is probably slightly influenced by the good time vibes of the venue. But were it not for the joy of the pork knuckle, it would be low to mid 6’s. Choose carefully.

Oh I nearly forgot to mention dessert, and as you might be able to tell from the image, it was forgettable. Black forest brownie, I think it was called – the brownie bit was respectable, the kind of quality you might get from a pre-packaged brownie at Costa coffee, but this came with weird foam-like cream and two rather alcohol-fuelled cherries, the latter I appreciated, the foam I didn’t. I wouldn’t recommend it.
I don’t remember what anyone else on the table thought of theirs – perhaps they told me and the music was too loud, or perhaps I just didn’t care by this point.
Oh and drinks…they had a pale ale from Orbit on which was decent if somewhat more malty, and otherwise lots of more Germanic lagers like Paulaner. Quite possible I had an Erdinger also towards the end, oh and the Malbec was good enough for a second bottle.
That’s not quite it from me – I’ll be back this Sunday with what I suspect could be a pre-Christmas roast dinner of nightmares. We’ll see.

Summary:
Albert’s Schloss, Soho
Station: Piccadilly Circus
Tube Lines: Bakerloo, Piccadilly
Fare Zone: Zone 1
Price: £25.00
Rating: 7.32
Loved & Loathed
Loved: Well I totally loved the pork knuckle - crackling itself was sensational, properly edible and gooey, with a crunch, plus lots of juicy pork meat too. And the venue is great fun.
Loathed: Watery gravy was the biggest crime, along with a general lack of seasoning/flavour.
Where now, sailor?
Random roast review: Roast Dinner Awards 2023 – Part 2
