Dear Attractive Female Reader or Readers That Know Attractive, Single Females
It has just occurred to me through the realm of advertising that it is Valentine’s Day coming soon.
Therefore it is time to re-open my magnificent, once-in-a-lifetime…actually once-a-year opportunity to go on a date with yours truly, Lord Gravy.
Fuck Tinder, screw Bumble – take your opportunity to date the uniquely brilliant Lord Gravy. I don’t have especially high expectations, I am not exactly Brad Pitt but I am better looking than Donald Trump – think of me as modern art. Oh yeah, this would be the kind of Valentine’s Card that you’d get.
Requirements
You must actually be single and not simultaneously dating around 100 other guys from Tinder.
Ideally not obese but likewise I’m not looking for someone who spends every single evening in the gym. The willingness to wear a dress and possibly let me wear one when you introduce me to your friends so I can weird them out would tick a few boxes. Long dark hair a bonus but I’m flexible. No lesbian-style short hair.
Having some personality and intelligence would be ideal, if there is potential that I might end up getting dementia with you, then I’d like it if you have more to say that what happened on Celebrity Love Island last night. I don’t have a television, and you’d have to tie me up to get me to watch that trash.
You must have a sense of humour. Seriously. It will help.
Currently I’m on a detox so I’m pretty boring, but which means at least I won’t turn up on horse tranquilizer. You’ll have to cope with me being extra patronising for now…though not quite to the level of vegan cyclists.
No Brexit voters. Having a European passport would help, being Spanish is an instant victory. In fact, any Mediterranean background is a strong plus.
Kind of about me
I’m approaching 40. I am not a peado nor have Rooney-like sexual preferences, and I appreciate that if you are a similar age then you may have a certain clock ticking. I ask one thing – no talk of babies or marriage within the first year. Don’t get my mother’s hopes up of being a grandparent, but negotiations can happen in due course.
You must understand that we will not be seeing your family on a Sunday unless they are willing to go somewhere on my to-do list. I don’t have any particularly weird sexual fantasies but I will ask to lick gravy from your nipples at some point.
Finally, I enjoy the art of loud farting, especially in Waitrose.
My offer
I’ll pay for the evening, it will involve food, it won’t be anything that amazing so don’t get too excited. I’m generally quite a decent guy except for voting Tory, I’m not going to cheat you or fuck you around. I can be funny, am quite romantic deep down (keep that secret please), fairly intelligent and thoughtful. I’m actually a reasonable catch if you can get over my sub-prime looks.
If my offer has excited you then click here to e-mail me, or if you know anyone desperate enough to date a fat, ugly tosser with a blog, please do share.
Last year I ended up having to eat an Iceland roast dinner, and I have something similarly miserable planned this year should I be alone.
I look forward to your fellatio. I mean, e-mail.
Lord Gravy