I feel like nothing can be achieved in this country without being phrased in three words, though I am unable to clarify if this gives us an advantage over the United States’ four-word phrase limit.
HELP ME WRITE.
Hang on, even that isn’t going to work, is it? It needs to be in big, bold letters on a bright coloured background, preferably in NHS blue:
Ahhh that’s better. I may have stolen an NHS font too, oops. I’m sure they won’t mind after the work I’ve put in over the recent weeks trying to persuade people to stay home and cook a roast dinner. I am such a hero.
Anyway, there is a point. I need your help. The more intelligent amongst you have probably worked that out. The rest of you are clearly stuck with your PPE procurement expertise and haven’t quite reached the next level yet. Don’t worry, Facebook will teach you.
So I’ll cut straight to the chase – at least for my standards. I have a couple of blog posts being planned but I don’t have enough content for them. Yeah – this is where you come in, once you have finished advising the government on where to get sufficient aprons from.
1. Your Favourite Deliveries
There are people like me, stuck at home in an everlasting successions of meetings, wearing their imaginary ex-girlfriend’s panties, desperate to spend their wages – yet are being blocked from doing so by the Nazi Mafia Conspiracy, according to the man who proved beyond all reasonable doubt that the Royal Family were reptilian.
Yes I’m stuck at home but I can at least have stuff delivered to me. So can you. And hopefully you’ve had something delivered to that you want to shout about…something I can feature in my upcoming post about deliveries – lets call it Deliver Woo.
Obviously I’m a roast dinner blog so meat, veg boxes, cheese, beer, wine, ketamine – that kind of thing would work best. But you know, maybe you’ve got a new bra, blanket, hanging basket or sex toy that you want to shout about. I’m open to suggestions. NOT ANAL. I should really trademark Deliver Woo, shouldn’t I?
My blog is clearly aimed at people in London, but I do have readers outside – even internationally. I’m particularly popular in some American cities like Las Vegas and Chicago – Americans seem to have a unique sense of humour as proven in their 2016 Presidential Election. How funny would it be if we went through all this trauma during 2020, got to the end of the year and Trump was re-elected? KEEP AMERICA GRAVY AGAIN.
So the point of this paragraph was meant to be that most things I feature will be available for delivery in London, but I’m happy to feature things that are only local to other areas of the UK, or world.
Fuck – buying the domain deliverwoo.com would cost $3,495.00. That fucking American sense of humour again.
Do you actually know what I need help with here? I’m not sure I understand the requirements behind “cutting to the chase”. I want you to write to me advising the favourite thing(s) that you’ve had delivered during lockdown, be it food, wine, beer, lingerie, cheese, pies, sequin bum-bags – for example it could be your perfect opportunity to mention a local indepedent that has had to turn to delivery due to lockdown.
In fact, this is really about trying to give local/small independent businesses a tiny bit more exposure, but absolutely cool if your favourite lockdown package was from Amazon…I am a proud free-market capitalist after all with my 7% gain from cruise shop company shares since lockdown. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually vote Trump if I were American.
I’d love it if you e-mailed your favourite deliveries to firstname.lastname@example.org, photographs also helpful. DMs on Twitter and Facebook also good, but e-mails are guaranteed not to get lost as long as I receive them…I can organise them! Any other form of messaging outside of those three options, including ordinary tweets, and there is a good chance I’ll forget when it comes to writing. Especially Instagrim. Please don’t message me on that as I cannot be arsed with it and my Instragrim manager has seemingly furloughed herself.
Still not sure I explained that particularly well, but hey.
2. Your Favourite Independents
This article will be more aimed for when lockdown has finished – as there is little point in writing this until said businesses have (hopefully) re-opened. Depending on the level of responses and assuming a phased end to lockdown, I guess I might end up doing two articles.
So here I’m looking for your favourite independent businesses that you miss being able to visit.
Of course, anywhere selling roast dinners will get priority, but I hope this will have a broader remit…and I could do the roast dinners bit without your help.
Maybe you are missing a little creperie, a tiny tapas restaurant, your local drag clothing shop, a cute cactus…erie? Maybe there is a tiny local bar that nobody knows about, your favourite local coffee shop?
Again, mostly looking for places in London which is where most of my limited audience is – but anywhere in the UK and the world is cool. Tell me about your favourite independent place – why do you love it so much? Why should readers head there when they unshackled by Boris?
Take your time with this one – it will be weeks and possibly well into summer before I write this.
E-mail, e-mail, e-mail – is preferred. Even more so given that it will be a while before I get around to writing this article. In case you cannot be bothered to scroll up, it is email@example.com, photographs also welcomed. DMs on Twitter and Facebook also…acceptable.
And once you have e-mailed your favourite delivery and/or independent to me, you can sit down and bask in the glory of doing something good.
Wait, did someone say sexy Spanish woman in a basque?
Oh that wasn’t the best search term given Spanish region names. This will have to do:
Anyway, so get sending your recommendations in – think of the glory of helping out your favourite small business – almost as heart-warming as getting a round of applause for a hard day’s work saving lives.
You might actually help to save a business or three. Might.