Update 18/03/2018 – Opportunity, erm…still open

Dear Reader

I present to you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Well, I’ll probably repeat it every year, but let’s pretend that it is once in a lifetime.

I am single. And dateless on Valentine’s night.

Are you an attractive young lady, or know an attractive young lady that would like to go on a date with a fat, ugly northern tosser with a blog? I have no money, I vote Tory, people take the piss out of my hairstyle, I have hairy nipples and a small nob – good thighs though. I’m closer to 40 than 30. I also look exactly the same on the face-swap thing as a woman, just with pink lipstick and some concealer. I don’t go to gyms.

Looking for someone that is less fat than me, long hair, nice eyes, wears a dress at least more than I do, without psychotic tendencies and can spell reasonably well. Ideally not too many drug addictions – bonus points for being foreign, brunette and at least able to pretend to enjoy Romanian minimal techno. Preferably your boobs are larger than mine, otherwise that might look odd. Having something to talk about other than the latest Celebrity Love Island would be useful.

I will pay for dinner, but I’m skint so don’t expect anything more than a fried chicken shop and a walk along the Thames in the rain.

If we end up in a relationship, then you will need to accept that almost every Sunday I go for a roast dinner. If we end up getting married then you may need to accept that I’ll want to go storm-chasing on our honeymoon. Open to producing babies. Did I really just admit that?

Do I sound like a catch? Or can you see why I have never had a girlfriend for longer than two weeks?

If my offer has excited you then click here to e-mail me, or if you know anyone desperate enough to date a fat, ugly tosser with a blog, please do share.

If I am dateless on Wednesday night, then I am going to treat myself to the most abject form of disappointment that I can think of. And you will all know about it.

So save a fat, ugly blogger from his Valentine’s solitude.

ps No vegans.