McCain’s Roastaurant

What is this? Yes it is some dreadful blog post by a deluded northern twat who loves gravy.

OK, what is it not? What is today not? It is not a Monday. Yes you have a review from me on a day other than Monday.

So I got a bit excited about the idea of a pop-up restaurant with a gravy microbrewery and bought two tickets. £5.00 each plus 69,150% booking fee (ish). By McCains. I wasn’t even drunk – it was 6:30am.

For those of you that don’t know, McCains make oven food. Perhaps more famously though, they once had a football stadium named after them, long before it was trendy to have a stadium named after your main sponsor. Yes, the McCain stadium hosted the mighty Scarborough FC.

I am sure at least two of you reading (I sometimes get a dozen readers nowadays – do you really not have anything better to do?) have been to Scarborough on your childhood holiday, and watched the WW2 re-enactment of some battle at sea, because those living in the east coast of England have moved with the times and honestly do not talk about the war or Germans or immigrants or anything similar. Oh no. By the way, isn’t it about time you “just got over” Brexit?

Also in my childhood, my mother used to serve me McCains oven chips on occasion. They were truly abominable. This should have been a warning to me, but no.

Why did I even think going to a McCains pop-up would be a good idea? Yes, I was fooled by all the media/blogger hype about the idea of 100,000 combinations of roast dinner, and by the idea chocolate gravy.

At least you get the real shit from me and not some pretty princess called Poppy who said the following:

You may have seen on my stories yesterday, that I made it to @TrumanBrewery for @mccainUK’s Roastaurant! To say I was in heaven is a gross understatement. I was surrounded by more crispy roast potatoes than I have ever seen in once place. Ever. And the roast dinner selections were absolutely amazing.
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Mum and I both opted for roast lamb (although having now seen the turkey on someone else’s plate, I wish I could go back for seconds!) and we were both highly impressed with the meal we had – utterly delicious. She also plumped for charred pineapple, which confused me slightly, but she was delighted.
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The whole event costs just £7.50 for a full roast, or you can attend their evening event and have unlimited roast potatoes and gravy for a fiver. And those roasties are WORTH IT.
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The pop-up is on today until the 10th – just head over to my blog to book your space! #GreatRoastDebate #ad

Like she hasn’t been paid to come out with that utter guff. Yes I only follow her because she is super hot in a girl-next-door kind of way. But still, this is what it comes to – McCain clearly have got some bloggers (or their marketing company have) to promote this utter shite.

Oh did I mention Poppy is pregnant? I am so delighted for her. Really and truly.

Yeah I’m just jealous. I had to pay for this shit, she gets it for free. I have 203 followers, she has 33,000 followers. Yes she is better than me too – who really wants to read a miserable, fat, ugly northern twat moaning about shit roast potatoes when you can read her pleasant, sweet messages about her favourite products, also known as advertisements.

I guess I should talk about my lifestyle experience. The Roastaurant was based in the Truman Brewery building – with three long tables, and a large serving platter at the back of roast potatoes.

Behind that there were 5 different gravy distillers:

Double reduced roast chicken gravy
Beef stock gravy with chocolate
Home style gravy
Chicken stock gravy with jerk
Veget…yeah whatever

I grabbed a recycleable tray and filled it with McCains roast potatoes. Yum (that’s sarcasm – I have not been paid for that word).

Without a doubt, I have been served worse roast potatoes before. These may have made fairly hard edges (my sister generously called them ‘crispy’), but were not exactly fluffy inside. They had a texture closer to rubber than potato. Not inedible but not exactly pleasant. Just mass-manufactured chewy crap.

To drown them, I chose the homestyle gravy. Which actually tasted pretty excellent – alas it had less viscosity than water, and most certainly did not qualify as gravy. Flavoured water – yes. Gravy – no. My sister had the beef/chocolate gravy which she also said was excellent…alas, I could not bring myself to try it.

When more roast potatoes eventually arrived, I did go for seconds. I chose the chicken jerk gravy this time – which was quite good, a tad hot – I do think jerk is slightly over-rated as a flavour, though don’t tell the Jamaican gangsters that I used to buy weed from that I said that.  Shit, I still haven’t text my mum back from the other day.

Overall it was a crap experience. Disappointing at best. Dreadful potatoes, albeit with nicely flavoured water, in a sterile environment. Only anyone completely without taste can think that these “roasties are worth it” (or perhaps someone being paid). Even if I had been exceptionally drunk, I would have been disappointed.

If you are totally screwed on ketamine and peeling potatoes is likely to end up in a hospital trip yet you need roast potatoes, then please ensure McCain roasts are bottom of your list.

Try Sainsburys Taste The Difference roast potatoes. Or the equal version at Waitrose if you are a wannabe posh tosser. If you are desperate then Aunt Bessie’s. Failing that – just ring your dealer and get a top-up – roast potatoes are not that important on the scale of things.

All views are actually my own and I have definitely not been paid to write this shit.

Also, the McCain stadium is now a Lidl.

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